The Beginning (long post)

I don't expect this blog to honestly ever be read by anyone but me. I mean really, who even blogs anymore? 

This is really for me and my journey and if somebody comes across it one day and finds it helpful, great! Most likely they'll just find me a bit crazy!

So how this all came about....

Well, end of May of this year, after working too many hours a week and dealing with some very difficult situations with my child at her school, I imploded/exploded. I just lost it really. I started having some crazy anxiety and panic attacks! Granted, I'm a very bit of a high strung person. But this was not me. It seemed to start out slow but it escalated quickly. I had to actually walk out of a place we frequently ate out at because I got overwhelmed by ALL the people (it was before lunch rush and had maybe 8 people in the whole place!). Not even the worst really. I couldn't eat much of anything anymore because my throat was so tight ALL. THE. TIME. It regularly felt like I had a noose around my neck or a giant lump stuck in it and couldn't swallow anything. I was nervous about even drinking anything but wasn't too worried about choking on liquid like I was on solid food. This went from happening most of the time to being a CONSTANT feeling. So now we are 3 weeks into this mess. I can't stand to eat more than a few bites because of the tightness in my throat. I've had my throat checked, about every standard blood test, lungs x-rayed (because of some weird pains in my ribs), about everything else you can imagine. I'm very healthy but I'm sure feeling insane. I was told I know how General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) and I should take some medication. I can't recall when I got the Xanax. It could have been before this 3 week mark. I only used it twice. I liked how it chilled my mind a bit but really hated how it made my body feel. I continue to have chest pains...but they are in the center now, and left side...I had 2 EKGs, both fine. 1 was in the ER because I went in for my chest pains. I couldn't get my heart rate to slow down, it was fast and pounding hard. My neck hurt and I had lots of pain and just not feeling well. But everything checked out fine at the ER with all my tests, I guess except 1 liver enzyme test that was very slightly outside of normal range. Nothing anybody was worried about since I didn't find out for awhile after. 

   

I ended up having a stress test on my heart as well because the pains continued. Once again, very healthy heart...absolutely nothing shows up. But the palpitations continue. So I ended up with a 48 holter monitor. Once again, I'm dang healthy, at least my heart. Nothing out of the norm.

   

So I'm healthy, I feel like garbage. I can't get rid of this pit in my throat and I'm finding that my anxiety and panic get worse during my menstrual cycle, that's when it all started too....hm. Maybe some hormonal factor in all of this. Off to the GYN. So we make a plan to keep the pill going continuously. Sweet, maybe this will help. So that's what I do. Things seem a bit better, I think. I still cry like crazy. I feel like garbage. I can't eat much...maybe a meal a day, maybe. My throat is still tight like it is all swollen. My stomach hurts. My body hurts. My mind hurts.

During this time I had started counseling. So it's been about 6 weeks...maybe 7 since everything has started now. I had lost 15-20 lbs at this point. Not shocking, I couldn't eat anything and what I did manage to eat didn't stay in my body long. Yay digestion issues. Everything I talk to them about...well, it's just anxiety. Everything is being caused by my anxiety.....I should get on the antidepressant because it'll help, that's what I'm told. But I can't. I just can't bring myself to get on it. It doesn't feel right, it doesn't sit well with me, ever. And my doctor listened and told me, I couldn't just start it and then stop, I had to commit to a whole month of taking it. I never could. To this day, I'm still not on it. 

I ended up doing acupuncture to help with a bunch of thing. I got started on that because I needed to get rid of the tight throat! I couldn't eat. I was sick of starving, feeling yucky and just feeling like my shirt collar was too tight. Traditional Chinese Medicine has a diagnosis for this, Plum Pit Qi. And man that helped so much! Modern medicine didn't have much to say other than it was psychosomatic. So it was worth a shot. The first treatment...well, I was a little disappointed because I really hoped to walk out of there without the tight throat. But it was there. Later that evening though, it moved. It was now clear up at the back of my throat instead of down near my collar bone. But then it went back down...but a few minutes later in the center of my throat, then up to the top again. It felt like it was trying to "push" itself out of my body. It was crazy! The next day, it was there...but not ALL THE TIME. What a relief. So I went back and eventually I was eating 2 meals a day, small ones but eating, then 3!

I finally started getting myself feeling somewhat normal after the 2 month mark. I read about anxiety being caused by a possible vitamin deficiency so I start taking vitamins. Then I read about Adrenal Fatigue. I understand this is very recognized but it made so much sense! Even the doctor and therapist agreed that I had probably lost it because I was fried from stress. I was able to keep going as long as I needed but when things were starting to calm down finally, my body couldn't take it anymore and mentally/physically I collapsed.  So to me, Adrenal Fatigue made so much sense. Since I'd already spent so much on doctor visits and tests (there was even a major blood clot scare in there too!), I couldn't afford to see a Naturopath. So I started self-treating. And you know what happened? I started to feel better. And honestly for a few solid weeks I felt almost like my old self. I was eating normal food again, eating regularly and the weight had finally stopped dropping. For 3 weeks in a row I weighed the same! So 25 lbs down and I thought I had finally stopped losing weight.

Then....the stomach bug happened. I got some stomach virus. Not a big deal really, I didn't think. It wasn't terrible...just one really bad day and some stomach cramps for a few days, I thought anyways. Yes, 1 really bad day, then a few with just stomach cramps....then diarrhea again and stomach cramps and more and just repeating the cycle. 2 weeks of this! 2 weeks. And after the 1st week, guess what came back? The anxiety-tight throat, heart pounding, the whole deal. What?! It was gone! Thought that was strange though...but I couldn't take my supplements I had been because I could barely eat anything and everything made my stomach more upset. So 2 weeks later, 1 visit to the acupuncturist and I can start eating again. 5 more pounds gone. 

So now, 30 lbs lost from this mess. And now I'm trying to just eat again! So I'm looking up stuff on the gut and anxiety. Things it could be..SIBO, IBS, Leaky Gut....or much worse things...Crohns...oh my. For many of the things, luckily the treatment is the same....change how you eat, cut out foods you may be sensitive too, probiotics. So that's what I started doing and here I am now...just wanting to document what I'm doing, what may or may not be helping, etc. But at least I can have my supplements now and the anxiety/tight throat/etc has taken more of a chill again. But I AM SO HUNGRY!